LUAS Tram Crashes into Dublin Bus

I was in O’Connell Street in Dublin yesterday when a LUAS tram crashed into the side of a double-decker bus.

These two photos show the aftermath of the collision. The second is a close-up of the cabin of the LUAS tram, which has smashed through the side of the bus and is literally inside it.

It shows how flimsy the side of a bus is when it is hit head-on by another vehicle, and how important road safety is. Three people were seriously injured in the crash, and are now in hospital.

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Ryanair Steals My Standup Idea!

Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary is reported as examining the idea of ‘vertical seating’ in order to pack more people into his airplanes. He may or may not be serious, but he has considered this idea before.

In 2004, as part of a book of prank letters called ‘Absurdly Yours: The Michael Nugent Letters”, I exchanged eight letters with Michael O’Leary about the idea of airplanes with no seats.

I wrote the O’Leary letters under the pseudonym Pierce Whitehead: a mix of Richard Pierce and Gustave Whitehead, both of whom made powered flights before the Wright brothers did.

Letter Number 1: 25th April 2004

Dear Mr O’Leary,

Good luck with your new Charleroi agreement. Your reluctance to dip into my pockets for your profits contrasts with my constant dread of the Aer Lingus anti-trade unions. I would appreciate your opinion on a concept in my doctoral thesis, “Comfortably Profitable: Ergonomics and Economic in the Aviation Industry”.

The idea arose when I spent a flight in the Uzbekistan sitting on a wooden crate filled with the live chickens, after takeoff was delayed while the pilots did a quick around to buy fuel. Since then I have often wondered: two airplanes and really need seats? I know they are traditional but, financially, they waste the unused space above the lap of each passenger and below the luggage bins.

I am now examine a concept called ‘lean-backs’: equivalent to seats but without the parts that you sit on.

Visualise a role of backward leaning L-shaped person-height dominoes, reclining at an angle that balances comfort with retention of the overhead bins. Another (adjustable) angle towards the base accommodates bending the knees. The seats rest on a spongy material capable of absorbing the impact of landing. The passengers are safely strapped in.

Mr O’Leary, I would appreciate your opinion on ‘lean-backs’, in the form of a quote that I could include in my thesis.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 2: 29th June 2004

Ab/MOL/2126

Dear Mr Whitehead,

I thank you for your recent letter, but regret that we simply cannot meet the crazy number of requests that we get from students doing theses/dissertations/projects.

It would be invidious to select some but not all of these requests, and we find it simplest and less offensive to do none.

I hope you understand and wish you every success with your project.

Yours sincerely,

Adele Bannon,
Assistant to the Chief Executive,
Ryanair

Letter Number 3: 15th July 2004

Your Ref: Ab/MOL/2126

Dear Mr O’Leary,

Thank you for your recent reply to my request for a quote for my thesis on ergonomics and economics in the aviation industry. I fully understand your position as outlined in your letter. I have drafted the following has a win-win compromise.

“I next contacted Mr Michael O’Leary, whose economic sense and visionary approach to ideas that challenge conventional industrial wisdom I have always admired, and who has single-handedly dragged to the European aviation industry into putting the consumer first. Thank you, Michael.

“While the Ryanair Chief Executive amusingly proclaimed himself plagued by crazy requests from students doing theses, his tone could in no way be regarded as either invidious or offensive. What came to my mind was his playful smile as he mocks the policy paralysis of successive governments.

“And, while the maverick multimillionaire did not directly comment on the novel concept of lean-backs, nor did he rule them out as an integral part of the future of the aviation industry. He closed our exchange by wishing me every success with the project. I appreciated his good wishes.”

How does that sound? I think you come well out of it, without committing yourself to anything.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 4: 20th of July 2004

Letter Number 3 returned with a handwritten note from Michael O’Leary:

Dear Pierce,

Fine by me. But I never worry about ‘coming well out of it’.

Best wishes,
Michael O’Leary
20/7

Letter Number 5: 10th August 2004

Dear Mr O’Leary,

I am delighted that you have started to actively promote the seat-free airplane concept, and I would like to arrange a meeting to see how we can develop it further as a joint-venture partnership. I have now added the following to my thesis:

“Mick O’Leary (our thinking is so similar that I now feel that we are almost friends) then showed how quickly he can react to a positive concept. I first contacted him in April with the then-novel proposal that airplanes might not need seats.

“In May he told Der Spiegel that: ‘You could have airplanes with no seats in 10 years time. Why do you have to sit down?’ In August the Sunday Times wrote: ‘O’Leary talks of an airline in which reclining seats are gone; maybe one day there be no seats at all.’

“I tipped a wink to this great innovator, who had taken my embryonic idea and quickly cast it loose in the marketplace of aviation ergonomics. I looked forward to the day when we signed on the dotted line and began to exploit it commercially.”

How does that sound? Please let me know when would be a good time for us to discuss the idea further. As you are more experienced in these matters, I would be happy to discuss whatever proposal you may have about the nature of our partnership.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 6: 11th August 2004

Ab/MOL/8040

Dear Mr Whitehead,

I thank you for your letter of 10th August, and wish you continued success with your thesis.

Unfortunately, we don’t engage in joint venture partnerships, I haven’t started to promote the concept, and I don’t think a meeting would be a practical use of our respective time.

There is no prospect in the near or medium term future of any aircraft operating with no seats. Ryanair is presently investing in upgrading our seats to market leading body contoured, all leather covered units designed to maximise the comfort and safety of our passengers.

Best wishes,
Michael O’Leary,
Chief Executive,
Ryanair

Letter Number 7: 12th September 2004

Dear Mr O’Leary

Regarding our discussion of airplanes with no seats, I’ve now made a scale model of a sample cabin interior.

It comes in three pieces, each four feet long. You can clip it together very easily, and lift up one wall to see the interior. I’d love to show it to you, but transporting it is a problem.

Luckily, I have a friend in furniture removal, and he can lend me his van very early next Tuesday morning (21st September) to bring it over. He will collect it again on the Wednesday of following week and each time after 7 p.m.

So I will bring it over early on Tuesday, and I can stay around the airport all day doing other research until you are free to meet me. Or, if you would rather examine the model first, I can leave it and call back another day.

Whatever suits your schedule will work for me. If you’re not around on Tuesday the 21st, where would be the best place for me to leave the model?

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 8: 14th September 2004

Ab/MOL/9050

Dear Mr Whitehead,

I thank you for your letter dated 12 September and refer you to my previous letter of 11 August (copy enclosed).

Regrettably we have no interest in your concept and therefore no interest in a meeting.

Yours sincerely,
Michael O’Leary,
Chief Executive,
Ryanair

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Roy Keane Leaves Sunderland

On the day that Roy Keane leaves Sunderland after 100 games as coach, here’s a quick summary of the controversial career that led Arthur, Paul and me to write the comedy musical I Keano.

In the glorious summer of 1990, Ireland coach Big Jack Charlton was barking orders at his Ireland World Cup squad in Italy.

Back in England, an equally blunt manager was luring a young lad from Mayfield in Cork to play for Nottingham Forest.

Brian Clough labelled his new signing ‘The Irishman’. Clough had an understated motivational style. He once punched Keane in the stomach for underhitting a pass during a match. Before long, Keane was playing for both Forest and Ireland.

The following year, Charlton reprimanded Keane for turning up late for an Ireland team bus journey in Boston. Keane replied “I didn’t ask you to wait.” The Ireland captain, Mick McCarthy, weighed in with “Do you call that behaviour professional?” To which Keane countered “Do you call what you have a first touch?”

Red Devils

In 1993 Keane moved to Old Trafford for a then record British transfer fee of £3.75m. He quickly started collecting trophies, medals, red cards and fines. In helping United win two league and cup doubles before replacing Eric Cantona as club captain, Keane stamped his authority on the team, and his boot on Gareth Southgate during an FAI Cup semi-final.

In 1997 he injured his knee during a clash with Alf Inge Haaland. Keane later scythed into Haaland during a Manchester Derby match in 2001. “I’d waited long enough,” he later explained through the eloquent pen of Eamon Dunphy. “I fucking hit him hard. The ball was there, I think. Take that you cunt.” Keane was fined £150,000 for bringing the game into disrepute.

1999 was a bittersweet year for Keane. United won the elusive treble of league, FA Cup and European Cup, but Keane missed out the European Cup final for being repeatedly booked. The following year he slammed United fans for “having a few drinks and maybe the prawn sandwiches” and knowing nothing about football.

Red Mist

The next target of his ire was the Football Association of Ireland. Among other things, Keane was upset that the officials, but not the players, sat in first class seats on flights. He was lucky he didn’t play in the 1970s, when the Ireland players once sat on their suitcases in the luggage compartment of a train to Germany.

Then came the big one. Saipan, May 2002. The FAI prepared for the World Cup by forgetting to bring footballs to an island with no football pitch. Keane finally exploded, and left the island after he suggested that Mick McCarthy could stick the World Cup up an improbable part of his anatomy.

The nation erupted into turmoil, as our generation’s civil war began. The 1916 Easter Rising paled into insignificance. Was Keane a hero or a traitor? Well, he was certainly an inspiration to me, Arthur Mathews and Paul Woodfull, as his antics led us to write the comedy musical I Keano.

Black Cats

Three years later an injured Keane left Manchester United, after slamming his teammates on United’s television channel. “It seems to be in this club that you have to play badly to be rewarded,” he fumed. “Maybe that is what I should do when I come back. Play badly.”

He spent a few months in Scotland playing for Celtic, before an extraordinary sequence of events unfolded. Mick McCarthy became coach at Sunderland and was sacked. Niall Quinn (who Keane had called Mother Teresa during the Saipan incident) became chairperson of Sunderland. Quinn hired himself as coach, fired himself, and hired Keane to replace himself.

In his first season as coach, Keane took Sunderland from the bottom of the championship to promotion to the Premiership in 2007. Unable to attract top players to Sunderland, he criticised their wives for wanting to shop in London. Since then, they have struggled, despite Keane spending almost £70m on new players since he arrived.

Today, after a hundred games in charge, Roy Keane has left Sunderland by mutual consent. Who knows what his next move will be?

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