Catholic magic tricks #2 – the Resurrection

Here’s another magic trick from The Catechist’s Magic Kit: 80 Simple Tricks for Teaching Catholicism to Kids. To repeat, this is not satire. It is from an actual book, published this year with the Imprimatur of the Bishop of Brooklyn, New York.

This week I am featuring some of my favourite tricks from this delightful book. Yesterday I showed you a card trick to encourage children to consider becoming Priests by lying to them. In today’s trick, you will learn how to persuade children that the Resurrection was real by showing them a faked illusion.

To perform this trick, you need a cutout of Jesus which is provided in the book, plus some crayons, an envelope and a pair of scissors. You start by asking a volunteer child to colour in the cutout picture of Jesus. You then put the cutout Jesus into the envelope, and cut the envelope in two with the scissors, before showing the children that Jesus has emerged unharmed from the cutting.

As before, you start by setting the scene: “When Jesus said that he would destroy the temple and, in three days, rebuild it, He wasn’t speaking about the actual temple in Jerusalem where the Jews would make sacrifices to God. Instead, Jesus was referring to His body, which would be crucified and then resurrected. let me show you an example of what Jesus meant.”

You now take the coloured-in cutout of Jesus, and slide it into the envelope. Or so the children think! Actually, you are sliding the cutout Jesus in and out of two slits that you have secretly cut in the back of the envelope. As the book warns: “Make sure that you don’t flash the back of the envelope or the illusion will be destroyed.” This is great advice, because who would want illusions about the Resurrection to be destroyed?

You continue: “When Jesus was killed, His body stayed in the tomb for three days,” and you illustrate the killing with the rather gruesome metaphor of cutting the envelope, inside which lies Jesus, in two with the scissors. Or so the children think! Instead, somewhat like Penn and Teller sawing a lady in two, you are actually cutting the envelope without harming the cutout of Jesus.

You then ask the children: “But do you know what happened after those three days?” And you show your delighted audience that the coloured-in cutout Jesus has not been destroyed. Lest they miss the theological significance of the parlour trick, you explain: “This is what Jesus meant. His body might have been destroyed, but He lives forever with us and the father.”

To convince any skeptical children that Jesus is really unharmed, you pass out the cutout for them to examine. But heed the final warning in the book: “And rip up the envelope to destroy any evidence of the trick.” Again, this is great advice, because if people have evidence that something is not true they are much less likely to believe it.

It’s a good trick, albeit with some practical and theological flaws. Based on the illustration, nobody would believe that the cutout Jesus has been put into the envelope. It is protruding from two ends where the envelope is sealed. And cutting Jesus in two is not really the same as crucifying him. But at least the book makes clear that, when Jesus talked of the temple, the temple that he referred to had nothing to do with those pesky Jews.

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Catholic magic tricks #1 – Holy Orders

Warning: this is not satire. This is from an actual book, published this year, called The Catechist’s Magic Kit: 80 Simple Tricks for Teaching Catholicism to Kids. The book is written by Angelo Stagnaro, and has the Imprimatur of the Bishop of Brooklyn, New York.

The blurb reads: “Simple magic tricks for teaching spiritual truths to children are explained in precise detail in this distinctive compendium. The lessons faithfully follow the catechism of the Catholic Church… The strongest element of this book is the explanation of the theology and spiritual truths that underlie each trick in a simple and inspiring way.”

This week I will feature some of my favourite tricks from this delightful book, starting today with a simple mathematical card trick to encourage children to consider becoming Priests by lying to them.

To perform this trick, you need six profession cards, which are included in the book. Though the book does not refer to this, I assume there is no significance in the fact that the doctor looks slightly like Bono and the priest looks like a black Larry David. You also need an envelope, a black magic marker, and a photo of a small boy with a priest image glued on the back.

You start by setting the scene: “It is through the Sacraments that we principally experience God,” you tell the children. “Our Priests, our Bishops and the Pope get their authority from the Apostles, and they got it from Christ Himself. It is God that sustains our leaders.”

Now that you have set the mood, you place the six cards in a row, face down, on the table, placing the Priest card third from the left. You then ask a volunteer from among the children to pick a number between one and six.

If they pick three, you count out the number starting from the left, and turn over the Priest card. If they pick four, you count out the number starting from the right, and turn over the Priest card. If they pick one, two or six, you spell out the number starting from the left, and turn over the Priest card. If they pick five, you spell out the number starting from the right, and turn over the Priest card.

You then turn over the other cards and tell the child: “You have chosen the Priest card. You could have chosen any of these others…” (technically, of course, this is a lie, but that’s not important and the children will hopefully trust that you are telling them the truth).

You then say: “let’s look at my prediction,” and you open the envelope. The children are surprised to see a picture of a small boy. Has the catholic magician got it wrong? You then say: “Ah, this is a photo of a Priest long before he was ordained…” and turn it over to reveal the image of the Priest glued to the back.

Then comes the lesson of the trick. You say to the children: “Does anyone here know a Priest? Who here wants to be a Priest? Being a Priest is an important job in the Church. WIthout them we wouldn’t be able to experience the Sacraments. The Church community needs Priests. Always keep Priests in your prayers.”

Finally, and again I stress that this is not satire, the explanation ends with following advice: ”TIP: When looking for volunteers for this trick, it’s best to ask a boy to assist you rather than a girl as only males are allowed to become Priests in the Catholic Church”.

One threat that the book does not mention is that you have to make absolutely sure that you get this trick right. If you mistakenly turn over the wrong card, a child might end up wanting to become a doctor or a fireman or a teacher or an artist or a chef, which would of course be a disaster for society.

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Top ten kinky quotes by Pastor Anderson

Steven Anderson is the Phoenix Pastor who recently asked his parishioners to pray that God would kill President Obama, by giving him brain cancer so that he would die like Senator Ted Kennedy.

Anderson has since followed this up with a radio interview in which he calls for gay people to be executed, and insists that the host of the show Michelangelo Signorile, must be molesting children because he is gay.

(If you can’t see the video, go to the original article here.)

Anderson’s church website provides endless amusement in the form of transcripts of his sermons and essays.

Here are my Top Ten Kinky Quotes by Pastor Steven Anderson:

10. Pastor Anderson on perverted male gynecologists

“Because of years and years of looking at and touching scores of women inappropriately, the male gynecologist no doubt has a seared conscience and a perverted mind… Any doctor that looks upon and touches a woman’s private parts in his office “hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”  Sir, if you let your wife go to a male gynecologist, you need to get right with God.”

9. Pastor Anderson on the Beatles as God-hating communist devils

“If music without drums, syncopation, or a rock beat is acceptable music, then “Yesterday” by the Beatles would be suitable for a Christian. This song has no drums, syncopation, or rock n roll beat – so what’s wrong with it? It doesn’t talk about drugs, illicit behavior, or violence – so what’s wrong with it? What’s wrong with it is the source. It was written by God-hating communist devils. Rock n roll music was pioneered by ungodly sinners like Little Richard, a sodomite filthy animal, and Ray Charles, a heroin addict. The source of rock n roll music is ungodly.”

8. Pastor Anderson comparing Letterman and Leno unfavourably to Jesus

“God, please just help it to be real to us. Help us to realize that David Letterman and Jay Leno just aren’t that funny.  The sitcoms and the TV shows and the movies just aren’t that cool.  The rock music just isn’t that great anymore when we realize that there is a far greater purpose for our lives; to win souls to Jesus Christ.”

7. Pastor Anderson on sinful sports heroes

“Other Christians only use the television to watch sports, but are the typical athletic superstars of our day the role models we want for our children? Aside from the numerous beer commercials, not to mention the scantily clad cheerleaders at half-time, they are also being taught to idolize whoremongers like Coby Bryant and Michael Jordan, freaks like Dennis Rodman and Magic Johnson, and drug-users like Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire.”

6. Pastor Anderson on married sodomite perverts who molest children

“Every Sodomite in the Bible is a rapist or molester… A common misconception is that homosexuals are only attracted to and only prey on men. It is clearly seen in the Bible that homosexuals are perverted in other ways and are always bisexual… Just because a man is married and has children does not rule out the fact that he is a sodomite pervert. This is one reason why small children should not be left alone with a man that is outside their immediate family.”

5. Pastor Anderson on the evils of The Odd Couple

“Consider the show “The Odd Couple” from the 1960’s. Aside from sinful content, we are being exposed to an alternative lifestyle of two men living together as roommates. Genesis 2:24 tells us God’s normal plan, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Although neither man in the show is a homosexual, this show was obviously a forerunner of the sitcoms of today which feature homosexual characters.”

4. Pastor Anderson on Ellen Degeneres and other perverts

“I am not a fool. Don’t tell me that Sodom is not on the TV because it is. I mean, don’t tell me that there is a prime time show that doesn’t have these filthy sodomite queer characters, because it does.  I remember when I was in high school.  I was 17 years old. The show came out Ellen. Ellen, the first… was going to be the first lesbian sitcom. It was ripped off the air. That was in 1999.  That was 1998 or whatever it was.  They ripped it off the air.  And they said, “No.  People couldn’t handle it.” Twelve months later it was back on the air.  And twelve months after that, every prime time show had sodomite characters.  That’s how fast it happened.”

3. Pastor Anderson on the bunch of queers on the cooking channel

“You say, “Well, I don’t watch that stuff.  I just watch the weather. I just watch the cooking channel.” Those guys cooking on the cooking channel are a bunch of queers.  You know they are. “Oh, you know, I just throw in a little bit of this.” Good night.  Be a man.”

2. Pastor Anderson on his desire to beat Christopher Lowell

“You say, “Oh, I just like…I just watch the home decorating show.” Oh, good night.  What’s that guys name? This guy was on when I was a teenager.  Christopher Lowell.  And who has ever heard of that guy?  Is that what his name is?  I got the name right?  Christopher Lowell. That gay little piece of trash.  I would like to beat the fire out of him. Somebody needs to beat him with the ugly stick.”

1. Pastor Anderson comparing hell to being locked in a closet (Hmmmmm….)

“And this is what thought entered mind. I thought to myself… I looked over at the closet and I thought to myself, “What if I were locked in that closet for 100 years, nothing to do, nothing to see, the closet is dark.” … And then I thought, “What if you never get out of that closet.” That would be awful, wouldn’t it, just locked in a closet forever and you knew you were never going to get out.”

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Would you be buried beside an atheist?

Ireland has always casually discriminated against atheists, in ways that are often very funny as well as serious. And it does not end with death, but continues on into the grave.

Here are four funny random news stories, each about fifty years apart, that illustrate how official Ireland has viewed atheists from the mid 1880s to the early 2000s.

Two involve court cases, and two involve burials. For the full impact of the casual discrimination involved, as you read them, imagine substituting the word atheist with that of any other group of people.

Atheism worse than violence?

In April 1859, a Belfast Presbyterian was horrified when he was accused of being an atheist. James McAldin had been removed from a jury panel in a court case, and he believed that it was because his name “had a Roman Catholic sound to official ears”. However, the Attorney General told the House of Commons that McAldin had been set aside because he was “an atheist and a violent party man”.

McAldin wrote a letter to the Times saying that “the charge of atheism is such an odious accusation that I trust to your sense of justice to permit me to repel it.” He was also upset by being called “a violent party man” but he described this accusation as being “not so damaging” as being labelled an atheist.

Buried beside an atheist?

In October 1908, Councillors in Gorey rejected a plan to open a Council graveyard after a debate in which one of them argued that he did not want to be buried beside an atheist. An enquiry was being held into an application to close the Cranford burial ground in County Wexford.

The graveyard was almost full, with some coffins covered by only inches of earth. Some councillors wanted the Council to establish its own graveyard, while others wanted the church to continue to run parish graveyards.

Councillor Patrick Walsh argued that, if the Council ran the graveyard, an atheist could be buried in it, and he would not care to have an atheist buried beside him. A solicitor representing the church agreed that “it would be horrible for those that believed he had no soul in him.” A resolution in favour of acquiring the increased accommodation was defeated.

One of them said: “We are atheists.”

In December 1960, a century after the James McAldin court case, the Children’s Court in Dublin fined two youths 40 shillings each and put them under a rule of bail for a year after an altercation with a local priest. The youths had tried to push their way into a parish social event in Sallynoggin.

Father Michael Quilter told the court that, after he refused to let them in, they threatened to come back again and “get” him and one of them said: “We are atheists.” In court, this youth said that he was not an atheist, that he believed in God, and that he wished to apologise to Father Quilter.

However, he asked the priest in court: “Did you hit me on the jaw?” and the priest replied: “I had to use physical force to get you out.” The Justice said that he was sorry that he could only impose a maximum penalty of 40 shillings on the youths. There is no record of the Justice saying anything about Father Quilter hitting the boy on the jaw.

“Putting her in with the Protestants.”

In August 2008, a century after the Gory burial inquiry, a man was told that he could not bury his dead mother in Donegal, because no graveyard in the County would bury an atheist. Joan Greenslade had a humanist funeral service but church authorities told her son Roy that the churches (Catholic, Church of Ireland and Presbyterian) owned all of the graveyards in Donegal. Therefore, unless he was willing to compromise his late mother’s beliefs by agreeing to a religious service, it was impossible for her to be buried.

She was eventually buried in nearby Derry, in Northern Ireland, which is part of the United Kingdom. The city council’s cemeteries department said they had different areas in the municipal graveyard for Catholics, Protestants and even Muslims. Asked whether they were starting an atheist section for Mrs Greenslade the reply was: “No, we’re putting her in with the Protestants.”

Source: The Irish Times reported on each of these stories.

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The garden of Eden court case

A courtroom. There are two snakes. One is sitting at a Barrister’s bench. The other is lying on the ground.

BAILIFF
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. The Court of Appeal of Biblical Decisions is now in session. All rise for the case of The Snake versus God at the Garden of Eden.

The judge enters. The Barrister-Snake rises and stands upright. The Defendant-Snake stays lying on the ground.

JUDGE
(to Barrister-Snake)
Why has your client not risen?

BARRISTER-SNAKE
He has been cursed by God, your honour, and he must now…
(looks at papers)
‘Go on his belly and eat dust’. He wishes to appeal that decision.

JUDGE
Very well
(to Defendant-Snake)
Do you swear to tell the truth, so help you God?

DEFENDANT-SNAKE
Well, he hasn’t really helped me so far.

JUDGE
(looking at papers)
I see you were convicted of deceiving a Mr. and Mrs. Adam.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
And it is they who I shall call as my first witnesses.

Adam and Eve enter. They are wearing only fig leaves.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
Mr and Mrs Adam, can you please tell the court what you were doing on the day in question?

ADAM
Well, I was very tired, because I’m only made out of dust, and God had just ripped out one of my ribs to make her.
(Eve giggles)
So I had sent her to get some food.

EVE
And then I met him
(points to the Defendant-Snake)
And I told him that we couldn’t eat from the tree in the middle of the garden, because we would die if we did that.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
And was that true?

ADAM
Well, that’s what God told me anyway. He said we would surely die on the same day that we ate from it.

EVE
But he
(points to the Defendant-Snake)
said that we wouldn’t die, that we would just know the difference between good and evil.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
So you ate from the tree.

ADAM
Yes, we did.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
And did you die on that same day?

EVE
Well, no.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
And how long ago was that?

ADAM
(Counts on his fingers)
Just over nine hundred years ago.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
And you are both still alive.

EVE
Yes. I just recently gave birth to our last child.

BARRISTER-SNAKE
(to Judge)
So I put it to you, your honour, that my client did not deceive the two witnesses, but that God deceived them, and my client told them the truth. If anything, my client should be commended under the recent legislation for the protection of whistleblowers.

JUDGE
(looking through papers)
Well, the Genesis transcript does seem to verify your argument. Very well. Mr Snake, you are free from the curse of going on your belly and eating dust.
(hits bench with gavel)
Case closed!

DEFENDANT-SNAKE
Yessssssssssssssssssss!

Emotional music as the Defendant-Snake rises from the ground in slow motion and runs to the Barrister-Snake. They both embrace by intertwining their bodies.

ADAM
Actually, before we go, can I just say that God cursed us as well.

EVE
He made childbirth painful for me. And he put him
(points to Adam)
in charge of me.

ADAM
And he made the soil barren, so now I have to work to earn a living.

JUDGE
Very well. You are all free from your curses.
(hits bench with gavel)

DEFENDANT-SNAKE
Yessssssssssssssssssss!

Reprise of emotional music as Adam and Eve run in slow motion into the embrace of the Defendant-Snake and the Barrister-Snake. As everyone leaves:

ADAM
Can I still be in charge of her, though?

JUDGE
Of course you can.

SCENE ENDS

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Same sex ice cream

Ben and Jerry’s has changed the name of its Chubby Hubby ice cream to Hubby Hubby, in support of the legalisation of marriage for gay and lesbian couples in Vermont.

Here’s the footage from a CBS news item on the name-change, in which free ice-cream is given to the public. (If you can’t see the video, go to the original post.)

Listen out for the woman at the end, whose taste-buds are more powerful than her conscience: “Homosexuality is wrong and disgusting, but I’ll take the free ice cream.”

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Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary steals my standup idea!

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary is reported as examining the idea of ‘vertical seating’ in order to pack more people into his airplanes. He may or may not be serious, but he has considered this idea before.

In 2004, as part of a book of prank letters called ‘Absurdly Yours: The Michael Nugent Letters”, I exchanged eight letters with Michael O’Leary about the idea of airplanes with no seats.

I wrote the O’Leary letters under the pseudonym Pierce Whitehead: a mix of Richard Pierce and Gustave Whitehead, both of whom made powered flights before the Wright brothers did.

Letter Number 1: 25th April 2004

Dear Mr O’Leary,

Good luck with your new Charleroi agreement. Your reluctance to dip into my pockets for your profits contrasts with my constant dread of the Aer Lingus anti-trade unions. I would appreciate your opinion on a concept in my doctoral thesis, “Comfortably Profitable: Ergonomics and Economic in the Aviation Industry”.

The idea arose when I spent a flight in the Uzbekistan sitting on a wooden crate filled with the live chickens, after takeoff was delayed while the pilots did a quick around to buy fuel. Since then I have often wondered: two airplanes and really need seats? I know they are traditional but, financially, they waste the unused space above the lap of each passenger and below the luggage bins.

I am now examining a concept called ‘lean-backs’: equivalent to seats but without the parts that you sit on.

Visualise a role of backward leaning L-shaped person-height dominoes, reclining at an angle that balances comfort with retention of the overhead bins. Another (adjustable) angle towards the base accommodates bending the knees. The seats rest on a spongy material capable of absorbing the impact of landing. The passengers are safely strapped in.

Mr O’Leary, I would appreciate your opinion on ‘lean-backs’, in the form of a quote that I could include in my thesis.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 2: 29th June 2004

Ab/MOL/2126

Dear Mr Whitehead,

I thank you for your recent letter, but regret that we simply cannot meet the crazy number of requests that we get from students doing theses/dissertations/projects.

It would be invidious to select some but not all of these requests, and we find it simplest and less offensive to do none.

I hope you understand and wish you every success with your project.

Yours sincerely,

Adele Bannon,
Assistant to the Chief Executive,
Ryanair

Letter Number 3: 15th July 2004

Your Ref: Ab/MOL/2126

Dear Mr O’Leary,

Thank you for your recent reply to my request for a quote for my thesis on ergonomics and economics in the aviation industry. I fully understand your position as outlined in your letter. I have drafted the following has a win-win compromise.

“I next contacted Mr Michael O’Leary, whose economic sense and visionary approach to ideas that challenge conventional industrial wisdom I have always admired, and who has single-handedly dragged to the European aviation industry into putting the consumer first. Thank you, Michael.

“While the Ryanair Chief Executive amusingly proclaimed himself plagued by crazy requests from students doing theses, his tone could in no way be regarded as either invidious or offensive. What came to my mind was his playful smile as he mocks the policy paralysis of successive governments.

“And, while the maverick multimillionaire did not directly comment on the novel concept of lean-backs, nor did he rule them out as an integral part of the future of the aviation industry. He closed our exchange by wishing me every success with the project. I appreciated his good wishes.”

How does that sound? I think you come well out of it, without committing yourself to anything.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 4: 20th of July 2004

Letter Number 3 returned with a handwritten note from Michael O’Leary:

Dear Pierce,

Fine by me. But I never worry about ‘coming well out of it’.

Best wishes,
Michael O’Leary
20/7

Letter Number 5: 10th August 2004

Dear Mr O’Leary,

I am delighted that you have started to actively promote the seat-free airplane concept, and I would like to arrange a meeting to see how we can develop it further as a joint-venture partnership. I have now added the following to my thesis:

“Mick O’Leary (our thinking is so similar that I now feel that we are almost friends) then showed how quickly he can react to a positive concept. I first contacted him in April with the then-novel proposal that airplanes might not need seats.

“In May he told Der Spiegel that: ‘You could have airplanes with no seats in 10 years time. Why do you have to sit down?’ In August the Sunday Times wrote: ‘O’Leary talks of an airline in which reclining seats are gone; maybe one day there be no seats at all.’

“I tipped a wink to this great innovator, who had taken my embryonic idea and quickly cast it loose in the marketplace of aviation ergonomics. I looked forward to the day when we signed on the dotted line and began to exploit it commercially.”

How does that sound? Please let me know when would be a good time for us to discuss the idea further. As you are more experienced in these matters, I would be happy to discuss whatever proposal you may have about the nature of our partnership.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 6: 11th August 2004

Ab/MOL/8040

Dear Mr Whitehead,

I thank you for your letter of 10th August, and wish you continued success with your thesis.

Unfortunately, we don’t engage in joint venture partnerships, I haven’t started to promote the concept, and I don’t think a meeting would be a practical use of our respective time.

There is no prospect in the near or medium term future of any aircraft operating with no seats. Ryanair is presently investing in upgrading our seats to market leading body contoured, all leather covered units designed to maximise the comfort and safety of our passengers.

Best wishes,
Michael O’Leary,
Chief Executive,
Ryanair

Letter Number 7: 12th September 2004

Dear Mr O’Leary

Regarding our discussion of airplanes with no seats, I’ve now made a scale model of a sample cabin interior.

It comes in three pieces, each four feet long. You can clip it together very easily, and lift up one wall to see the interior. I’d love to show it to you, but transporting it is a problem.

Luckily, I have a friend in furniture removal, and he can lend me his van very early next Tuesday morning (21st September) to bring it over. He will collect it again on the Wednesday of following week and each time after 7 p.m.

So I will bring it over early on Tuesday, and I can stay around the airport all day doing other research until you are free to meet me. Or, if you would rather examine the model first, I can leave it and call back another day.

Whatever suits your schedule will work for me. If you’re not around on Tuesday the 21st, where would be the best place for me to leave the model?

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Pierce Whitehead

Letter Number 8: 14th September 2004

Ab/MOL/9050

Dear Mr Whitehead,

I thank you for your letter dated 12 September and refer you to my previous letter of 11 August (copy enclosed).

Regrettably we have no interest in your concept and therefore no interest in a meeting.

Yours sincerely,
Michael O’Leary,
Chief Executive,
Ryanair

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True as God? Strange Bible Quotes Part 3

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True as God? Strange Bible Quotes Part 2

Here are ten more examples of passages from the Christian Bible that are either silly or unjust. You can read the first ten examples in the series here.

11. God will save only 144,000 male virgins, undefiled by women (Rev 14:3-5)

And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb. And in their mouth was found no guile: for they are without fault before the throne of God.

12. Effeminate people are unrighteous and cannot go to heaven (1 Cor 6:9-10)

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

13. Jesus sent devils into 2,000 pigs and drowned them in the sea (Mark 5:11-13)

Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them. And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea.

14. If you believe in Jesus you can safely drink poison (Mark 16:16-18)

He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.

15. Jesus ordered his apostles to sell their clothes to buy swords (Luke 22:35-38)

And he said unto them, When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye any thing? And they said, Nothing. Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. For I say unto you, that this that is written must yet be accomplished in me, And he was reckoned among the transgressors: for the things concerning me have an end. And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.

16. Women must not teach and must learn in silence (1 Tim 2:11-14)

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.

17. Priests may not shave off the corners of their beards (Lev 21:5)

They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.

18. Priests may not marry a whore or a divorced woman (Lev 21:7)

They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.

19. If a priest’s daughter plays the whore, she must be burned with fire (Lev 21:9)

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.

20. It is unnatural and shameful for men to have long hair (1 Cor 11:14)

Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

Photo: Bible Title Page by mrbill (cc)

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True as God? Strange Bible Quotes Part 1

The Christian Bible contains many assertions that are either silly or unjust. I’ve been posting them one at a time on Twitter. Here are the first ten together:

1. Dragons and owls honour God because he puts rivers in the desert (Isaiah 43:20) 

The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.

2. Dwarves or flat-nosed men may not offer bread at the altar of God (Lev 21:16-23) 

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God. He shall eat the bread of his God, both of the most holy, and of the holy. Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

3. King Saul gave his daughter to David for 200 foreskins (1 Sam 18:25-27) 

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

4. God sends bears to kill children for mocking a bald man (2 Kings 2:22-24) 

So the waters were healed unto this day, according to the saying of Elisha which he spake. And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

5. God will bring so much evil that it will make your ears tingle (Jer 19:3) 

And say, Hear ye the word of the LORD, O kings of Judah, and inhabitants of Jerusalem; Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, the which whosoever heareth, his ears shall tingle.

6. When Jesus died, many local corpses came back to life (Mat 27:50-53) 

Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

7. New brides must prove their virginity or be stoned to death (Deut 22:13-21) 

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel’s virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel’s father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter’s virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city.

And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

8. God tells Isaiah to walk naked and barefoot for three years (Isaiah 20:2-3) 

At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia;

9. It is okay to kill your slave if he takes a few days to die (Ex 21:20-21) 

And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.

10. If you disobey God, he will make you eat your own children (Lev 26:27-29) 

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