True as God? Part 1
April 19, 2009 by Michael Nugent
The Christian Bible contains many assertions that are either silly or unjust. I’ve been posting them one at a time on Twitter. Here are the first ten together:
1. Dragons and owls honour God because he puts rivers in the desert (Isaiah 43:20)
The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.
2. Dwarves or flat-nosed men may not offer bread at the altar of God (Lev 21:16-23)
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God. He shall eat the bread of his God, both of the most holy, and of the holy. Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.
3. King Saul gave his daughter to David for 200 foreskins (1 Sam 18:25-27)
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.
4. God sends bears to kill children for mocking a bald man (2 Kings 2:22-24)
So the waters were healed unto this day, according to the saying of Elisha which he spake. And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
5. God will bring so much evil that it will make your ears tingle (Jer 19:3)
And say, Hear ye the word of the LORD, O kings of Judah, and inhabitants of Jerusalem; Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, the which whosoever heareth, his ears shall tingle.
6. When Jesus died, many local corpses came back to life (Mat 27:50-53)
Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.
7. New brides must prove their virginity or be stoned to death (Deut 22:13-21)
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel’s virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel’s father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter’s virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city.
And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
8. God tells Isaiah to walk naked and barefoot for three years (Isaiah 20:2-3)
At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia;
9. It is okay to kill your slave if he takes a few days to die (Ex 21:20-21)
And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.
10. If you disobey God, he will make you eat your own children (Lev 26:27-29)
And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me; Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
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I first started to doubt the bible when I read that story about God sending the bear to kill those chisellers who mocked the old man. That seemed a bit petty for God. I was nine at the time.
The bible does contain a lot of wisdom though. I particularly like the whole thing about casting the first stone.
Still, this does put the mockers on any arguments that the bible should be taken literally. Some of it is utter rubbish.
The fascinating thing to me is this ancient belief in “proofs” of virginity. I have recently been doing extensive research on the history of obstetrics and gynecology for my series, “The Nefarious History of Motherhood.”
The question of the ability of anyone to determine virginity by a physical examination has been bothering medical personnel since Roman times (the Greeks, apparently, were just as convinced as the Hebrews).
Modern medicine has recently been attempting to answer the question, as doctors are often called upon to examine young women who might be victims of abuse.
As modern studies have made clear, this distinction isn’t as easy as the Bible made it seem. In fact, it’s downright difficult.
Which might explain why, in medieval days, if one required the true answer, one consulted astrologers.
Dragons and owls….
The Hebrew word for Dragons is the same as the Hebrew word for Lizards.